3 Year Anniversary!?!? How the time flies

                    

I couldn’t decide which one I liked better 🙂

It’s hard to believe it’s been three years. I can remember the day I decided to start blogging – I was a stay at home Mom and I was losing it!! I’m sorry, but anyone who thinks being a stay at home mom is easy has lost their marbles. It’s one of the most challenging jobs I have had and yet I really miss it.

Fast forward three years, lots of posts, and here we are today. And really, I am still here today because of you! So Thank You!!

Thank you for hanging with me!! Until Next Time, Happy Reading 🙂

February Challenge – Peeling the layers back

I’m not trying to be dramatic. I am honest to God lost and struggling to accept who I am. This post is a little long, I know. But I am writing this for me. This is going to be a personalized challenge but feel free to jump in because honest truth, it gets old being alone sometimes.

I know I talk a lot about my car accident. In a way, it is part of my mourning. I mourn the woman I was prior to the accident because that woman is long gone. She’s not coming back, no matter how much I wish she was.

I saw one of my concussion doctors this week. And she gave me some tough love, that I didn’t realize I needed to hear.

It’s been two years. You have made what significant progress you are going to make. Sure, you can continue getting better in small ways. But the person sitting in front of me is who you are. I didn’t know the person you were before the accident and no one else going forward will either. They will only know the person in front of them. Let go of who you were and accept who you are now.

After the visit, I sat down in my car and cried one last time, mourning the person I once was but will never again be. Then I got MAD. And mad is a much better feeling than one of self pity and feeling sorry for myself.

In a previous post, I mentioned how things are different now. And as someone who particularly doesn’t enjoy change, this has been terribly difficult on me. Some of the changes are small and more of a nuance than anything. And some are big and ugly and in my face.

Like reading.. I could read close to four or five books a month. Now I am lucky if I get one in. It takes me so long to get through the book, I hate it. Not many know this but I have a learning disability. I have worked really hard to increase fluency, comprehension, and all the other wonderful skills you use while reading. And I feel like I have lost them all. I don’t feel like I am starting over but I am no longer in the advanced reading course. With time, this is one of those skills I hope to gain back. But who knows.

The running.. I was a runner. I was training for my first marathon, ran my first half, and LOVED it! I worked out easily 5 days a week and it felt great. Now, there is this emptiness there. I have zero desire to run, to work out, to do any of it. My body is the weakest it has ever been. I hate it!! And I have no idea how to get back.

I have tried pushing myself to run when I don’t want to. (See adorable picture above ) That felt good for about 5 minutes and then I was thinking “What the hell am I dong?!?!” In other words, that was a one time run deal. So I did what any reasonable person would do, I bought a new workout watch – Garmin Viveoactive 3. Amazing watch!! I love everything about it, but it still doesn’t help motivate me.

Then there’s the job. I have committed hundreds of thousands of dollars into my career. I have two masters, a bachelors degree, and I fucking loved my job – prior to the accident. After the accident, I still have all my fancy degrees but I am not in love with my job and honestly, I don’t even know if I can keep up with the demand. This is heartbreaking!! All I have ever wanted to be is a teacher. My passion was endless, I was awesome, gifted, yada, yada. You get the point. This felt like my calling. Until it wasn’t. Until that stupid accident..

So, 2 years have past, I have lost my father-in-law, step-mom, and my niece, and I find myself asking – What the fuck am I doing?

I am completely lost and I have no idea who I am. I feel like a stranger in my own body. What I know is that I am not the same- post and pre accident don’t line up. I don’t think the same. I don’t feel the same. I can’t process at my old speed. I don’t multi-task or tune out distractions nearly as well. Indoor florescent lights will always feel too bright. I feel like my personality has switched from a type A to some other one that’s out there. I can’t do as much as I used to. I am drinking way more than I ever have. I am eating like shit. I am self medicating. None of this is pretty, it is all really scary, and it doesn’t end! This is my reality and I don’t know how to accept it.

Deep breath, I think it is safe to say I am still mad. Which brings me to my challenge.

This challenge is for 30 days and it is all about inner peace, positivity, getting healthy, and feeling in control. Over the span of 30 days, I (we?) must:


Quit the bad habits! Walk away from the drinking, self medicating, and eat at least 2 meals a day. You are not going anywhere with a foggy mind and a sluggish body.

 

Find your Smile! Find something to smile about and identify one positive thing that happened each day. Write it down and read it aloud every night. It might be difficult in the beginning and some days might be harder than others, but do it! Do it because you deserve it!

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Find some Mental Clarity
! Try at least 5 minutes every night but 20 minutes would be great. I am going to try meditation and reading. My goal is to meditate every morning and to read 1 chapter (give or take) every night.

 

Count your Steps! True enjoyment comes from activity of the mind and exercise of the body. Let’s face it, the two are intertwined. You can walk 20 minutes, a mile every day. Or maybe try to walk as many, if not more steps as you did the day before. Just get up and move a little.

 

Know your Self Worth! I am giving myself one month to figure this shit out. I am going to be looking into Skills/personality tests, making pros/cons list for staying in my job or going, and so on. I am going to figure out either what a former teacher can do after teaching or how to get back to being happy as a teacher.

 

This may not look like it, but there is a lot here and the next 30 days will be difficult. But I am up for the challenge, you all know I need a change. Comment below if you want to join me on this journey or with any thoughts. And Until Next Time, Happy Reading 🙂

 

Sick with the flu, followed by death in the family

I have been home sick for the past week with the flu.. ugh, it was not fun! Sorry to all the emails I haven’t gotten to and the pages in my book I haven’t read. You know you don’t feel good when the simple act of reading is too much.

And then Monday came with dreadful news – My step-niece passed away. I have known her since she was 8. She was 18 and her college roommate found her. I feel frozen, not able to even process all of this yet. I still can’t believe she is gone…

 

Hello, It’s me… anyone?

Hello fellow bloggers, book critiques, and lovers of all that is books. Gosh, it feels like it’s been a long time. I am sure you think I have forgotten about you but I haven’t.

I have been so passive with this blog. Not because I wanted to or because I lost interest. No, I just couldn’t juggle everything while my brain healed. I couldn’t be the mother my children needed, the wife my husband deserves, the teacher I know I once was… all the while reading and blogging like I would like. At first, I thought of myself as a failure. But I know that’s not the case because I am still here today and that means something.

2 years after the car accident, I find myself adjusting to my new self and wrapping up all the therapy. Yes, 2 years of therapy is a lot and I am ready to be done. Although being done also means accepting things for how they are. Am I the same after the car accident, NOPE. Will I ever get back to who I was, I’m not really sure.

But I can’t stand in the mirror and wish for something that might never come. I need to start living my life again and move past this accident.

While I am figuring out my new ‘normal’ and trying to see what that means for me, I am learning that the things I used to love doing, I no longer care much about. It’s a weird feeling really. Some days I don’t recognize myself and I wonder if my husband still sees the same woman he married. Luckily, my love for reading and desire to blog has not changed.

So Now What…

I have lost a lot of followers. I know and I am sorry. I hope you haven’t completely given up on me and are willing to give me another chance. I have not been here and I want to change that. So if you’ll have me, I am here! Drop me a line, a book recommendation, anything. I am here and I have decided I am not going anywhere!

Let’s rediscover the magic in books and share in our passion to read

Until next time, Happy Reading 🙂

A year from Hell..

This has been a year from hell..

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Lets take a walk in my year. Not even one month into 2017, I get in a devastating crash.

car

Almost one year later and I am still going through therapy, still suffering a concussion, and still not able to live the life I once had. Running is out of the question and that doesn’t seem to be changing anytime soon. I continue to have to wear prism glasses to trick my brain and eyes into working together. I am trying to come to terms with having to do a maintenance plan (a.k.a. eye exercises) for the rest of my life. And I continue to struggle concentrating while blocking out external stimuli. A car accident that wasn’t even my fault has caused devastating changes.

Diagnosed in September of 2016, my Father-In-Law continued to suffer from an aggressive form of brain cancer.

grandpa-and-ash

My Father-In-Law passed away in November. I miss him so much! He wasn’t perfect but he was a wonderful man.

My Step-Mother passed away Saturday, December 23… She was sick and the last couple years have been extremely difficult, especially on my day. But my heart is broken and I mourn per passing. I more the companion my dad lost. My Step-Mother has been apart of my dads, my life, for over 20 years. And even though I’ve known she was sick, I thought I had more time. At least time to say goodbye.

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I talked to my Dad earlier this week and he told me he didn’t think Linda would make it to summer. And I thought – I really need to tell her how I feel, how I appreciate everything she’s done and who she is to my Dad. But that thought was quickly followed with not wanting to do it over the phone and this stupid idea that I had time. I would get through this week of work, get through Christmas and then I would drive down to see her and the rest of my family. I honestly thought I had time. I always forget we are not promised tomorrow. I should have called and talked to her.

These are only three examples of what has made this year horrible, but they are strong and carry so much pain. This has been a year from hell.. I honestly hate 2017. All this grief is overwhelming and heavy.

2018 can’t get here fast enough…

 

Life, Survival, and Death

Hi, it’s me. It has been a while since I have been able to get on here. Most of that is because my heart has been broken and life just never seems to slow down.

For those who don’t know, I was in a bad car accident at the end of January 2017. If you haven’t ready the post – Surviving the Accident – check it out. I’m still recovering and thankful that I am continuing to get better. Since the last time I’ve check in, I have fired my previous vision therapist and hired one who believes I can still get better.

I struggle to fit in all my therapy appointments while working full time and raising two active boys. But I’m doing the best I can.

Life in my family has changed and I am still processing how that looks. Cancer is such an ugly thing. Check out my first post, Life Interrupted, The Family Battle with Cancer., to see the beginning. But my father-in-law passed away a month ago from today. I still don’t have the right words to say and I don’t even know what to say. But my heart is broken and I miss him so much! My family and I have been grieving and trying to get back to life as it is now.

Please understand and be patient during this time. The holidays have been so difficult, everything has been difficult. Finding the time and energy to get on my blog has been near impossible.

Curious- Which plan do you use???

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I get this post is possibly odd and has nothing to do with what I normally post but I’m just not sure what I want to do…

Right now I have the free plan and it’s ok. I mean I like it enough but I don’t love it. I am wondering if I could get more out of my blog if I switched to one of the other plans.

What plan are you using? Is it worth the upgrade?