The playwright wrote in “I Never Sang For My Father” – “Death ends a life, but not a relationship…which struggles on, seeking its own resolution.”
Cancer is the ugliest thing around. It doesn’t just hurt the people who have it, but also the ones around them. Right now I hate Cancer more than I have words to describe.
The picture on the left was taken almost a year ago, January 20th or so. My son would have almost been 3 and my father in law who can never sit still for long, decided to indulge my son desire of going on a wagon ride.
I’m not going to go into details because honestly, it’s just too heartbreaking. But here is the condensed version: My father in law had his first seizer mid September. That day he was diagnosed with brain cancer. From there they told us he had at max 11 months to live. After surgery they came back with 5 to 11 years to live.
You can imagine the emotional rollercoaster that must have been…
Within the last three months he has had brain surgery, went through radiation, and completed two out of 12 months of chemo. One week after he finished radiation, the mass on his brain grew back to almost the exact same size. Yes, you read that correct- 1 week. We discovered the growth on his brain because despite the fact he is on seizure medication, he had another seizer and the MRI confirmed.
But the worst part is the news we received this week from his neurologist- he is at the end of his options. Surgery isn’t one of them. More radiation isn’t one.. The only thing he has left is an experimental treatment that would be performed at Mayo in Minnesota.
What does that even mean, experimental treatment??? There are so many questions and no answers. It could drive a person mad…
Trying to have an optimistic conversation with my husband is one of the most difficult things I have tried to do. Pushing the words out of my mouth that I am not sure I even believe… Pushing the words past my throat, a throat that felt on fire and painfully squeezed with each word that came out.. But I push the words out because I have to be my husbands rock.
As you can imagine, to say my husband is a mess is an understatement. At 31 years old, he is watching the man he has looked up to for all his life suffer and be told the possible outcome is far worse than grim.
I mourn the loss for my husband. I mourn the loss for my children because they are so young they might not remember who their grandfather is, what kind of man he was. And I am selfish and mourn for myself.
What does it feel like to be on this rollercoaster? It feels like depression and hatred and pain. It pulls you down to were moving through life feels like walking in molasses. I lay in bed and I can’t stop the tears from falling. I blink my eyes and realize I must have fallen asleep because it’s the next day. But I don’t feel like I’ve rested. Reading feels like too heavy of a task so I watch netflix. But even then I feel like I am just staring at the screen. I want to point my finger and blame someone.
I want to hit, scream, and cry. But I am the rock my husband depends on and rocks don’t do that. So I stay calm, I push the tears away, and I hold my husband. When I am alone and I don’t feel numb, that is when the tears come.
You see, I am charged with keeping the house together. I don’t go to the doctors appointments, I don’t see my father in law.. because I am the one holds everything together while my husband is gone. It’s not an easy job. And deep down my biggest fear is that I won’t get to say goodbye.
As you have probably gathered from this emotional mess I am writing, it takes a strong and wonderful man to pull this kind of emotion out of someone. He is not even my father and he is far from perfect, but he is a great guy.
I was asked what I want for Christmas and I said time. This is why I want time. If I could give you one piece of advice going into the holidays and new year, it would be to love your family and put aside your differences. You always think you have forever but sometimes father time changes his mind.