The Perfect Self Image

The last couple Saturdays my cycle class instructor has asked “Do you Love yourself?” She went on to talk about the importance of loving yourself. But the entire time, I kept replaying her question in my head- over and over again. And each time I asked myself this question, my response has been simple, quick, and the same:

NO

No, I do not love myself because I don’t love how I look. I know this is stupid and I often wonder when I started associating self image with overall likeliness of who I am. I started running because two summers ago I went the entire season refusing to put on a swimsuit, refusing to wear anything at all figure forming, and just refusing to be comfortable because I worse layers and big clothing to hide my figure. Last summer, I refused to spend another swimsuit season inside and trained for a half marathon WHILE breastfeeding.

I lost a bunch of weight: I went from 150 to 137 and I was down to a comfortable size 4.  The problem was that everyone told me I was too skinny and that I had lost too much. But I didn’t see it. All I saw were my imperfections and fat. Now that I have gained some of the weight back and my jeans are uncomfortable, I am able to see how skinny I became. And I want to get back there. But I’m not sure that is an attainable goal.

So to try to get over my self image imperfections, I am laying it bare: I am 31 with two kids. I have a saggy stomach and a cesarean scar. I have always had a big chest size and I am not sure that will ever change. I wear a 34 FF and my size 4 jeans are uncomfortably tight. I’m probably a size 6, maybe bigger. My percentage of body fat puts me in the overweight category. And according to the scale at the gym, I need to lose 13.7 lb of body fat (Yikes!). I weigh 144 and I hate it! But this is me, at least right now.

Typing all of this out makes me see it a little different than the negative voice in my head sees it. It doesn’t sound as bad as I thought. Maybe I am still not seeing myself for what I am. And I know this picture is of me in a big sweater.. It’s kind of what I do. Plus it is winter in Minnesota. This picture was taken today after my workout.

me

My goal is to hopefully start seeing myself in a better light. I want to ask myself “Do you Love yourself?” And I want that answer to be YES!

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