The last couple Saturdays my cycle class instructor has asked “Do you Love yourself?” She went on to talk about the importance of loving yourself. But the entire time, I kept replaying her question in my head- over and over again. And each time I asked myself this question, my response has been simple, quick, and the same:
No, I do not love myself because I don’t love how I look. I know this is stupid and I often wonder when I started associating self image with overall likeliness of who I am. I started running because two summers ago I went the entire season refusing to put on a swimsuit, refusing to wear anything at all figure forming, and just refusing to be comfortable because I worse layers and big clothing to hide my figure. Last summer, I refused to spend another swimsuit season inside and trained for a half marathon WHILE breastfeeding.
I lost a bunch of weight: I went from 150 to 137 and I was down to a comfortable size 4. The problem was that everyone told me I was too skinny and that I had lost too much. But I didn’t see it. All I saw were my imperfections and fat. Now that I have gained some of the weight back and my jeans are uncomfortable, I am able to see how skinny I became. And I want to get back there. But I’m not sure that is an attainable goal.
So to try to get over my self image imperfections, I am laying it bare: I am 31 with two kids. I have a saggy stomach and a cesarean scar. I have always had a big chest size and I am not sure that will ever change. I wear a 34 FF and my size 4 jeans are uncomfortably tight. I’m probably a size 6, maybe bigger. My percentage of body fat puts me in the overweight category. And according to the scale at the gym, I need to lose 13.7 lb of body fat (Yikes!). I weigh 144 and I hate it! But this is me, at least right now.
Typing all of this out makes me see it a little different than the negative voice in my head sees it. It doesn’t sound as bad as I thought. Maybe I am still not seeing myself for what I am. And I know this picture is of me in a big sweater.. It’s kind of what I do. Plus it is winter in Minnesota. This picture was taken today after my workout.
My goal is to hopefully start seeing myself in a better light. I want to ask myself “Do you Love yourself?” And I want that answer to be YES!